A day in the life

Because I'm getting out tomorrow, I thought I'd get a pedicure.

We had a token prisoner arrive today. She ticked two boxes. can you guess what they are? I'm so glad I'm getting out of here soon; even internet prison is becoming politically correct.

It's Sunday and I was asked whether I wanted to accompany the rest of F-Wing to the prison chapel and confess my sins and cleanse my spirit. I said I'd rather stab my own eyes out and eat a plate of sick. I may or may not have used the word cunt in the same sentence as Jesus but I wasn't being blasphemous or anything.

Prison changes a girl.

I took part in the last supper today. I don't mean I'm going religious or anything like that but I've decided not to eat any more prison food. I'm sure they shit in it and personally I'd rather starve to death. I mean what's wrong with halal bacon?

Got put back into solitary confinement today and told I wouldn't be getting any food until after I'm released next week. I think this is a huge violation of my human rights and I stand my my assertion that the prison guard is a colossal cunt of the highest order and does in fact have both male and female genitalia. Also, she shouldn't have been close enough to get punched in the throat during one of my "episodes". Silly bitch!

The subject of Justin Bieber came up again today in jail. I was asked who my ideal cellmate would be and, on balance, I decided he would make a good cellmate. I mean he would obviously be eligible for a women's prison on account of the fact he hasn't got male genitalia. He would be incapable of prison rape on account of the fact he's a pussy. He would also make a great human punch bag on account of his face. Also, I wouldn't get into trouble for beating him to death on account of the fact everyone else in prison (including the wardens) would be happy if he was beaten to death.

Today I witnessed a fellow inmate get brutally beaten by a couple of the butch inmates. It was horrific. I would have jumped to her aid but I was too busy pinning her down and laughing manically.

She arrived at prison today. I like her a lot.

I was very bored so I started a riot today during lunch. The prison warden asked if I had anything to do with it and I blamed it all on Psychotic Sarah, the one-eyed serial killer. I've got to remember to keep to her left in future.

Due to my attempted break-out yesterday and my repeated violence towards the other prisoners, I have been put into solitary confinement. It's nice in here. I've always liked dark, enclosed spaces and being forced to shit in a bucket with no toilet paper. I was given one request so I asked for a copy of the Quran.

I stupidly attempted to escape today. My previous attempt to disguise myself as a piece of bread and sneak past the guards didn't work so today I thought I'd try a less subtle approach and fight my way to freedom. Unfortunately, I was no match for a dozen guards wielding batons and I was forced to concede. I'm to see the prison medic tomorrow to have a baton dislodged from my nether regions.

Today I got my nails done!

Half way through my sentence now. Sometimes it gets really lonely behind bars. I mean I've got my cell mate for company but she's still not talking to me after the Justin Bieber incident. I mean she physically can't talk after I jammed her MP3 player down her throat. There's always Big Bertha and she keeps saying she likes my company but her idea of fun makes me feel dirty and degraded. I'd like to have more visitors. #FreeHeather

Because of my good behavior, I was upgraded to a new prison cell today. My new one is much bigger than the previous cell and measures almost 4 square feet which means I can almost get out of the fetal position. Unfortunately my cell is right next to Crazy Christine who spends the day banging her head against the bars and shouting loudly in Spanish. At least I think it's Spanish. She may be speaking English but it's hard to tell because of all the foaming at the mouth and loss of bowel control.

Had to go and see the prison psychologist today. I was put through some tests and asked a lot of questions. I thought I did quite well and I went into a lot of detail when I was asked about my childhood by explaining how I was raised in the invisible pink forest by a badger and a unicorn, how I'm half pixie, half human and half Mexican, how I was sexually abused by my imaginary friend when I was a child . I'm not sure what happened after that because I felt a sort of needle prick in my neck and woke up back in my cell in handcuffs and chains around my ankles.

Had a cell inspection today. I'm normally good at hiding contraband but unfortunately it's hard to conceal a knife, a loaded pistol, Semtex, a map of the prison and drilling equipment as well as a stash of cocaine up my size 8 butt. I tried negotiating with the warden and offered her half my stash of coke if she turned a blind eye. Apparently not all prison wardens are corrupt. Who knew? Anyway, after a full cavity search and much crying into my pillow, I've managed to survive another day behind Facebook bars.

Saw the parole officer today. He asked me if I felt I'd been rehabilitated and whether I thought I was ready to go back into the community. I told him to go fuck himself and said I wanted to eat his family. Doesn't look like I'll be getting an early release.

Had an argument with my cell-mate today. She asked if I wanted to listen to some music. I wanted to listen to Bruno Mars but it turns out my cell-mate is a closet Justin Bieber fan. Anyone who knows me is aware of the hatred I have for that freak of nature and knows the punishment for even mentioning his name in my presence often results in death. I told my cell-mate if she even thought about playing a Justin Bieber song I'd have to hurt her. She then proceeded to tell me how Justin Bieber was some sort of music genius, a great dancer and one of the sexiest males on the planet. After vomiting all over her, I then grabbed her by her jumpsuit and shoved her head through the cell bars.

I reckon I've spent about six months in Facebook jail over the last few years. This usually happens after I insult some goat molesting Muslim who has been trying to inbox rape me. Apparently Facebook deems it acceptable for these pig fearing terrorists to sexually harass random western girls but I get a 30 day ban for retaliating and insulting them. I mean what's wrong with calling Allah a pig fucker, Muhammad a lesbian whore and claiming the Quran is only good for using as toilet paper? I'm sure this mighty goddess has more important things to worry about than some heretic teenage girl insulting her. If she isn't capable of defending herself against verbal attacks from a mere mortal, she obviously isn't very powerful is she? Anyway, as I'm now 10 days into a 30 day ban I thought I'd keep a diary of life inside Facebook prison: Day 10 Having thus far managed to avoid the advances of Big Bertha, the female butch of F-Wing, today I made a fatal error. Wh...