A day in the life

Dear fellow Heatherists, Thursday 19th December 2013; a day which will live in infamy. Today Francesca Owens declared war on Tara Sullivan. An act of this magnitude is considered high treason in the Heatherist book of constitution (that does exist you know, I just made it up!) She stands accused of reporting a photo shared by Ms Sullivan; a photo evidently mocking Muslims. Although I didn’t see the aforementioned post, it stands to reason it was an honest and truthful post because we all know Muslims are cunts and should be mocked. The court hears that Ms/Mr Owens then did proceed to message Ms Sullivan and request the removal of said photography. As we all know, Ms Sullivan has been unjustly incarcerated in the hellish Facebook prison (I know, I’m in there at the moment. I actually saw Tara being brought in by the Facebook guards this morning and we exchanged expletives before she turned on one guard, called him an “efucken cunt” and was led away whilst defiantly singing the Austr...

Dear Paul Williams , Thanks for your continued harassment. It’s nice to know I have crazy stalkers who take such an interest in my life. Thanks also for your constant messages of a sexual nature and asking whether I would like to perform ac ts on your no doubt tiny gentleman’s area. Having given this some thought, I must write to advise the only action I would like to take on your diseased genitalia would involve a hammer and a blowtorch. Based on your continued abnormal behaviour and evidence of unprecedented inbreeding, The Heatherist High Council has deemed that you should be classified in the category of “stultus cunnus”, more commonly known as a “stupid cunt”. You are free to appeal this decision and the Heatherist high council will convene in due course to discuss your case and give verdict as stipulated under Carter Law. However, it is unlikely to be overturned because of your face. However, as we at the Heatherist Church of Carrotists are all such jolly nice people, we feel it ...

Dear  Walid HL , Thanks for your messages asking me stupid questions like “how old am I?”, “do I have a boyfriend?”, “where do I come from?” among other annoying repetitive questions that can be answered by taking 2 minutes to read my profile. Your stupidity has been noted. Also, your apparent inability to understand me when I reply by saying “read my profile” also highlights your immense stupidity and/or ability to understand English and/or ability to read. I would also like to thank you for your (albeit unsurprising) enquiries of a sexual nature. You go to emphasise the common theory that Muslim men are mostly dirty, perverted inbred mutants with a penchant for goat sex and explosives, who are incapable of self control due to their backward beliefs brought on by following a prophet who was a known child molester. So, although you are not going to get an answer from me to any of your questions without colossal sarcasm being involved, I would like  to thank you for being a c...

Dear  Aditya Meena , Thank you for your constant stream of messages. Your bizarre questions asking me about chocolate poo, licking cats and whether I think you’re a virgin (yes I do by the way) are as confusing as they are enlightening. However, it is my duty to inform you that the Heatherist High Council has decided to deny you the right to be treated as a human due to your obvious case of “incestus moronica”, commonly known as “being an inbred twat”. You are therefore sentenced to “Heathercamp” where you will be mocked, ridiculed and insulted until you either block me or hang yourself (the latter would be preferable, especially with cheese wire). We hope you understand the decision. We also hope you get AIDS. Yours sincerely Heather Carter

Dear Pete Mitchell , Thanks for blocking me because I called you a paedophile. No, I mean seriously, thanks. I hope you stick to your assertion of not posting on this page any more because, quite frankly, 50 year old men openly contacting fake 14 year old girls on Facebook are both sick and stupid. In any case, "she" is obviously another paedophile man posing as a teenage girl in order to have some sort of weird roleplay sex chat because he had a poor upbringing as a result of his mother having mated with a cantaloupe melon. The fact that you believed her proves that you have the IQ of a pickled onion and should probably be put down. It is my fond hope that you get arrested and put in jail for being a sex pest. Better yet, have your genitals mutilated in a specially built microscopic food blender. Yours sincerely Heather Carter

Dear Nirojan Niro  Thanks for your unsolicited inbox messages to me. Although I generally don’t appreciate twats with fake profile pictures sending me messages telling me they are porn stars, I do appreciate you identifying yourself as a lying fake twat so I could take appropriate measures and put you on my restricted friends list. Unfortunately your latest message where you sent me a picture of someone taking a shot in the face by a man with a rather unfortunate looking penis just went to emphasise you are a colossal retard, in need of poisoning and obviously a member of the mentally spasticated sub-species of human commonly known as a cunt. Based on your behaviour and obvious lack of intelligence, I surmise that your parents are cousins and despise you. Based on the above evidence, you are hereby sentenced to months of relentless mocking and abuse by myself and anyone else on my friends list who is bored and wishes to harass a complete cunt. You are free to appeal this decisio...

Dear  Paulsen Woles Thank you for your inbox messages telling me you love me and you want to come and visit me at my home. Although I think it’s a bit unusual to move so fast, I am flattered by the sentiment. As stated in my response, I will have to pass your request on to the Royal Heatherist Council for approval. I have to advise you that, because you asked me for my email, telephone number and address and because you are Nigerian, it will be assumed that you are simply trying to steal my identity because everybody knows that’s all Nigerians do. Also, your use of the word “babe”, “love” and “marriage” within the first handful of messages suggest that you are also mentally spasticated and in the species of sub-human I like to refer to as a “complete cunt”. As such, I must advise you that the chances of your appeal being successful are slim, or in Heatherspeak “Fuck off you stupid fucking tribal cockburger”. Anyway, the Heatherist High Council will take a vote and respond to you ...