A day in the life

Dear Nirojan Niro  Thanks for your unsolicited inbox messages to me. Although I generally don’t appreciate twats with fake profile pictures sending me messages telling me they are porn stars, I do appreciate you identifying yourself as a lying fake twat so I could take appropriate measures and put you on my restricted friends list. Unfortunately your latest message where you sent me a picture of someone taking a shot in the face by a man with a rather unfortunate looking penis just went to emphasise you are a colossal retard, in need of poisoning and obviously a member of the mentally spasticated sub-species of human commonly known as a cunt. Based on your behaviour and obvious lack of intelligence, I surmise that your parents are cousins and despise you. Based on the above evidence, you are hereby sentenced to months of relentless mocking and abuse by myself and anyone else on my friends list who is bored and wishes to harass a complete cunt. You are free to appeal this decisio...

Dear  Paulsen Woles Thank you for your inbox messages telling me you love me and you want to come and visit me at my home. Although I think it’s a bit unusual to move so fast, I am flattered by the sentiment. As stated in my response, I will have to pass your request on to the Royal Heatherist Council for approval. I have to advise you that, because you asked me for my email, telephone number and address and because you are Nigerian, it will be assumed that you are simply trying to steal my identity because everybody knows that’s all Nigerians do. Also, your use of the word “babe”, “love” and “marriage” within the first handful of messages suggest that you are also mentally spasticated and in the species of sub-human I like to refer to as a “complete cunt”. As such, I must advise you that the chances of your appeal being successful are slim, or in Heatherspeak “Fuck off you stupid fucking tribal cockburger”. Anyway, the Heatherist High Council will take a vote and respond to you ...