A day in the life

Because I'm getting out tomorrow, I thought I'd get a pedicure.

We had a token prisoner arrive today. She ticked two boxes. can you guess what they are? I'm so glad I'm getting out of here soon; even internet prison is becoming politically correct.

It's Sunday and I was asked whether I wanted to accompany the rest of F-Wing to the prison chapel and confess my sins and cleanse my spirit. I said I'd rather stab my own eyes out and eat a plate of sick. I may or may not have used the word cunt in the same sentence as Jesus but I wasn't being blasphemous or anything.

Prison changes a girl.

I took part in the last supper today. I don't mean I'm going religious or anything like that but I've decided not to eat any more prison food. I'm sure they shit in it and personally I'd rather starve to death. I mean what's wrong with halal bacon?

Got put back into solitary confinement today and told I wouldn't be getting any food until after I'm released next week. I think this is a huge violation of my human rights and I stand my my assertion that the prison guard is a colossal cunt of the highest order and does in fact have both male and female genitalia. Also, she shouldn't have been close enough to get punched in the throat during one of my "episodes". Silly bitch!

The subject of Justin Bieber came up again today in jail. I was asked who my ideal cellmate would be and, on balance, I decided he would make a good cellmate. I mean he would obviously be eligible for a women's prison on account of the fact he hasn't got male genitalia. He would be incapable of prison rape on account of the fact he's a pussy. He would also make a great human punch bag on account of his face. Also, I wouldn't get into trouble for beating him to death on account of the fact everyone else in prison (including the wardens) would be happy if he was beaten to death.

Today I witnessed a fellow inmate get brutally beaten by a couple of the butch inmates. It was horrific. I would have jumped to her aid but I was too busy pinning her down and laughing manically.